Why Does A Guy Still Want To Be Friends After A Breakup/Rejection?

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Why Does A Guy Still Want To Be Friends After A Breakup/Rejection?

A breakup or rejection doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to still have you in his life as a friend.

You serve a purpose in his life.

Your humor or adventurous spirit doesn’t vanish when a breakup or rejection happens.

That same girl exists and he isn’t ready to let her go.

To that end, that side of you that is fun, adventurous, witty, ambitious, affectionate, is what drew him to you in the first place.

At first, those qualities made it appear that romantic potential was there.

A captivating personality and shared interests foments a romantic connection.

Then he got to experience what it was like to have you as a preeminent presence in his life.

This is where he is sharing a lot more time with you than in the early days and weeks of courting you.

Such an extended time with you has changed his mind about you and the potential for romance.

Those qualities that drew him to you in the first place are usurped by the lesser qualities you have now exposed him to.

Although you are fun, he hates it when you talk over him constantly when you get overly excited.

You are funny, but he hates it when your jokes are insensitive or when you use jokes to avoid talking about a serious issue.

Adventurous you are, but he hates that you waver when it comes to doing activities he loves most, especially when those activities get your nails dirty.

These are a few examples, but you get the point.

These lesser qualities have killed the romantic potential.

As he got to know you, your good qualities were usurped by other facets to your personality that turned him off.

He didn’t come to the decision to break up with you or reject you on a whim.

But he knew he had to.

Now, this doesn’t mean being your friend isn’t a great option to him.

It is.

As your friend, he gets to experience the same good qualities without having to worry about your shortcomings.

When there is no expectation of romance, there is no pressure.

This means that he doesn’t have to spend that much time with you, which increases the likelihood that he gets to experience your good qualities as your friend, without having too much exposure to your shortcomings.

Not having to spend weekends with you or talk to you for hours each day decreases his exposure to your shortcomings.

As your friend, he isn’t obligated to spend weekends with you or take you out on dates.

Given that he isn’t seeing you as much, when he does see you, he is experiencing you at your best.

As your friend, the romantic expectations are gone.

Being in your company isn’t laden with burdensome questions about where the relationship is going as far as romance is concerned.

You are fun, as long as he doesn’t have to spend an entire weekend with you or have to talk to you for hours.

With these advantages, still wanting to be friends with you is advantageous to him.

He has everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Without the pressure of a potential romance hovering over him, he gets the best sides of you and has the best time while at it.

Remember, you don’t have to stay his friend.

You have feelings too.

On the condition you aren’t being fulfilled as his friend, it isn’t worth it to stay his friend.

Staying his friend when you aren’t being fulfilled is an opening to additional hurt.

In the back of your mind, you are hoping he changes his mind about you soon and transitions the friendship into a relationship.

Not good.

Never get into a platonic friendship with this mindset.

It leaves you hanging, waiting, and hoping that something changes and romance happens.

Romance rarely happens in these conditions.

You have agency to refuse being his friend where emotional pain within you persists.

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15 thoughts on “Why Does A Guy Still Want To Be Friends After A Breakup/Rejection?”

  1. I have a guy who rejected me because he said that he blocked dating and would be best if we were friends. Thing is he flirts with me a lot. ..we interact….he.shows interest in my daily activities and texts me often to see me how I am. When we bump into each other he hugs Me…and he stands very close to me…We have kissed before. He finds me physically attractive and he thinks my personality is awesome. I’m really confused..are my feelings getting played by this guy?

  2. Hi felicia,

    Yes, your feelings may be getting played by this guy.

    He may want to keep you guessing about him while not being willing to commit to dating or a relationship.

    Being that he has kept you guessing and confused, he knows that if he were ever to change his mind about wanting to date you, you will be emotionally and mentally available to him.

  3. Glad to have read this article! I was recently blindsided by a guy I was dating whom I really liked. We have already been intimate and a few weeks later he says that we should just be friends. He said I was great to talk to and fun to hang around and he’d like to continue that but not romantically. I assume he just lost interest at some point but still likes me as a person. We did have a ton in common, working in the same industry, and could talk for hours. But it feels like a punch in the gut honestly and I’m mostly trying to keep it together. I played it off like it was cool but it really hurt my feelings. The thing is, I don’t know if we should be friends or not. I am starting to think that it’s better to not be his friend at all. He texted me a few times and I answered but I want to start ignoring him. It’s not that I had strong feelings for him or anything, it’s just that the rejection hurts and makes me want to crawl under a rock and push him completely away.

  4. Hi Staci,

    Rejection does hurt.

    However, you may just need some time to accept it.

    You should also understand that he didn’t reject you initially. You were both together until he ended it. Hence, there was clearly an initial attraction.

    As time goes on in a relationship, things can change. New facets of a person’s life may be discovered that wasn’t known earlier that could lead to the end of the relationship. It doesn’t mean that the person did anything wrong.

    It’s best to understand this and avoid blaming yourself or believing that you should crawl under a rock for what happened.

    Sometimes, people are just more compatible as friends even though the relationship may have started with romance.

    Instead of acting out of emotion and ignoring him, give it some time. See how you feel in a week or two. During that time, do other things and try not to occupy your mind with the break up.

    If after this period, you still feel the same way, do what you feel you have to.

    However, if you feel like his friendship would be beneficial to you, you may want to maintain it.

  5. I came across this article & found it interesting too. I worked with a guy who pursued me for 2 years. I was not attracted to him in the beginning, then when I got to know him I thought he was nice. Anyway we became intimate and this went on for 2 years it was quite intense. Then he had extra work put onto him, (he is the manager of his department), and had to travel overseas a lot & he said that he could not give me what I wanted & the moment, and can we stay friends. Because I trusted him I agreed, then he started to avoid me more & more and would not respond to any texts I sent him for days & sometimes not at all. I must stress (I was not & am not a needy person). I never put pressure on him etc. Anyway this push & pull thing has been going on for 10 months, I would not contact him (only because I thought he was arrogant in not getting back to me), then he would start contacting me again & this was confusing me. I went for 2 months with NC, and then he started popping up in places which he knew I was, calling me for stupid things which he could have asked other people for & trying to make me laugh. I gave in & told him that I would be his friend, but if he ignores me again that’s it. Anyway everything was find until the last 8 weeks, he was avoiding me etc. So when he did send me a message to say he was not avoiding me he was just busy (after 3 weeks of nothing from him), my reply was I am fine thank you for asking, don’t worry about it I am not, I am over this whole thing between you & I. His response was No worries & I am glad you are ok!!! Since then he when I have seen him its been Hi how are you as he is walking, I reply ok thanks. Then last week he starts showing up again in my department and walking past me etc. It is so bizarre & weird I think he may need some professional help. What do you think of all this? I feel such anger & resentment to him I can’t get past the fact he treated me like this, I would have stayed his friend if he treated me with some respect, Men just don’t get the fact that it is a big deal to be intimate with somebody & show your vulnerability, we are not children we are both in our late thirties, not school children. OMG even my boyfriend at 15 was not this confusing or weird. I actually believe he maybe a sociopath.

  6. Hi Christine,

    He has a problem becoming committed to any kind of relationship.

    Whether it be a romantic one or a platonic one.

    This is a trait that he has had for a while and really has nothing to do with you.

    There are some guys that are terrified of getting close to anyone either on a romantic or platonic level.

    They find it hard to commit but they also find it hard to let go.

    That is why he keeps coming back.

  7. This article helped me understand so many things. Thank you, Dating Logic!

    Let me just share to you my experience.

    I met a guy who I never thought I would fall in love with. He always has this way of making you smile and laugh even if you don’t want to.

    He’s really sweet.

    But then it only dawned on me that he no longer does it when he already got me.

    He no longer was the guy he was before. But I always tried to understand his situation, thinking that he’s just busy.

    But it’s just not the same…

    Until on June 21 he told me that he wants to let me go.

    I was shocked and confused. I was left hanging. I didn’t know what I did wrong. I tried to ask him, but he said it’s not my fault.

    I kept asking him what the real reason is so that we can fix things, but he just told me stop.

    It really hurts. Do you understand that feeling that you’re still very much in love with him but then he just lets go of you that easily?

    What’s worse is our families are very close. And it’s hard not to see him occasionally.

    When he called, after so many follow-up questions I asked so that he would open up to me the real reason behind why he just wants to give up, he finally said it. It’s only then I found out that he and his ex have been communicating the time when he left me wondering why he no longer communicated with me that much.

    I was really really hurt. :'( I’ve been crying for almost a week now. He made me look like a fool. I stayed true and loyal all this time, but to him that didn’t mattered.

    I thought he was already serious because it took him a lot of courage to face and ask permission from my parents.

    I guess I was just a back-up plan.

    I’m still in pain, though not much anymore since I already know the real reason.

    My problem now is… He wants us to stay friends.
    I told him how insensitive it was for him to just ask that from me when the wound is still fresh.

    I don’t know if I can forgive him for what he had done.
    He wasted my time, efforts, and love.
    And now he’s turning the table trying to pass to me the guilt.
    What I mean is, he knows that I’m still very in love with him.

    Is he trying to manipulate my emotions?

    Please enlighten me, Dating Logic.

    Why are guys like this?
    What do you think would he think or feel if I don’t accept what he asks: friendship?
    Would he feel guilty? Would he care?

    Please help me…

  8. Hi Sam,

    Yes, he may be trying to manipulate your emotions so that he doesn’t feel so guilty about ending his relationship with you.

    Some guys are like this because they get into relationships that they were never truly emotionally committed to in the first place.

    They do it out of convenience because it works for them at the time but the moment someone they truly want comes along, they are ready to leave the relationship and move on to that new person.

    He would think that you were being mean and rude if you were not to accept his offer of friendship.

    He would try to make you think that he feels hurt by your behavior, thereby trying to make himself out to be the victim.

    He wouldn’t necessarily feel guilty.

    However, he would care that you didn’t accept it. It may hurt his ego and his sense of self-worth.

  9. I started dating a guy 16 months ago, he at first said he would never be in a committed relationship and after he said it I was getting ready to excuse myself because he knew I wasn’t looking for a friend with benefits. But before I could he followed he’s last statement with but if by chance it was to happen he would let it have a chance because he wasn’t against relationships, so of course I stayed there was a chance. We had our arguments and even had him tell me he was never speaking to me that whatever we had was over but ever time he would start the conversations back up, and bam were back to hanging out together. I’ve ended up falling in love with him and we’ve been just like a couple but he keeps sending mixed messages. About a month ago after a argument he said we could just be platonic friends. I was heartbroken, but gave myself a few weeks and decided I would try to be friends with him and told him I could not make any promises that I could do it. My friends tell me to just walk away block every possible way for him to contact me and move on. That’s easier said than done. Can anyone give me some advise please

  10. There’s a guy I’ve liked for a year and a half now, he’s still recovering from his break up with his ex of 10 years. We’ve gotten pretty close as friends recently and he knows how I feel. He rejected me saying he wasn’t ready for any relationships and that he didn’t feel that way about me. Thing is we flirt a bit with each other whenever we see each other and after rejecting me he asked for a hug and to hang out again. Does he only see me as a friend or is he unsure of his own feelings?

  11. Hi Bonnie,

    He only sees you as a friend.

    He has known you long enough to have ascertained exactly how he feels about you. You two got closer recently because he is going through a hard time with the break up with his ex and he wants some emotional support.

    However, he told you that he didn’t feel that way about you and you should take him at his word.

    Even though he may flirt with you from time to time whenever you see each other, it doesn’t change the fact that he told you that he doesn’t feel that way about you.

    Some guys will flirt because it is harmless fun and it makes them feel desired. It doesn’t mean that they want anything more than that.

  12. I appreciate this article. I have been seeing this guy since March of 2016. He has 3 kids part-time and I have 3 kids full time. We didn’t call ourselves an official couple until late June 2017. We have had our ups and downs, and lately – there has been more downs then ups. I continue to try because we say we love each other. It is January 2018 and he says he doesn’t want to anymore. He says he has love for me as a person, but doesn’t see the bigger picture with me.

    It throws me off because two days ago – he was talking about a bigger picture with me. We talked about his decision and he says he just doesn’t want to stress about a girlfriend. He says he just wants us to hang out and be friends. Let our kids have their playdate and still be “kosher”.

    There are things he’s done in the past that don’t sit well with my close friends and family. Like a police report for Domestic Violence, and the random inputs of experience from other people who interacted with him. So, I hesitate to reach out to them just to hear, “I told you so”. I believed that the love we had was worth the effort. That’s why I kept trying. So to hear him tell me he doesn’t want to be my partner anymore, phases me.

    He just wants to be friends. What do I do? How do I adjust?

  13. I was in a relationship of four months. He broke up with me before Valentine’s day.he says he wants to stay friends. He says he’s not talking to anyone but me. He’s texting nonstop. Now he calls once a day and u noticed got less and less. He didn’t call today and I didn’t call or text. I was cooking and taking care of his son and cleaning his house for 4 months. He quit being intimate after Christmas.

  14. Thank you. It’s so confusing he calls and blows up on me if I don’t call or answer his calls. I have a key to his house I tried giving back three times now.

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