If He Doesn’t See A Future With Me, Why Is He Dating Me?

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If He Doesn't See A Future With Me, Why Is He Dating Me?

He is dating you, as he is afraid of losing you at this time.

Not seeing a future with you doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a life with you for the here and now.

Being alone at this time isn’t desired.

For some other guys, thinking about a future with you is so profound, they don’t want to have to make such a profound decision on the spot.

He knows that a future with you comes with the weight of responsibility.

Looking at where he is in his life currently, he worries that he isn’t at a place where he has agency to have a future with you.

Yet, dating you is a different story.

It doesn’t come with anywhere as near that much responsibility.

He keeps dating you in the hopes he buys enough time with you to figure out whether a future with you is feasible.

For now, he is hoping you slow down and remember that you are having a good time with him as your boyfriend.

He hopes you don’t bring up the future again until he is ready to properly address it.

Knowing that your mind is looking into the future, he has to slow you down somehow.

To take your mind off the concept of a future with him, he changes the topic whenever you bring it up and does everything in his power to keep your mind from going there whenever you two hang out.

Watch for an introduction of new activities in your relationship.

Suddenly, he is taking you out to places he never has.

Such a change in behavior.

Flowers arriving at your door isn’t out of the question either.

His intention is to take your mind off the future and fixate on the here and now.

It’s not that he doesn’t see marriage in his future with you, he isn’t at a place in his life right now where he wants to think about it too hard.

For many men, their concerns about the future have to do with their financial or societal situation.

Many men desire a better position at work before considering marriage.

Some want to have more money in the bank or be making more money at their job.

Finishing their academic studies is another one, or having a nicer place to live.

Whether it be one or several areas he is looking to improve on, he doesn’t believe that talking about the future at this time and moving the relationship to the next level is viable.

He doesn’t know exactly when he is ready to decide about a future with you, but he doesn’t want to lose you.

The value you bring into his life is palpable.

You keep him company, killing loneliness, and give him sex, killing sexual frustration.

His days are less stressful, thanks to you, and giving that up right now isn’t desirable.

Suddenly being single and having to seek out a new person to date isn’t a challenge he needs right now.

He has his hands full with work and other responsibilities.

Keeping his fingers crossed that his tight-lipped approach to this, while treating you to new adventures, buys him some extra time with you before you bring it up again, he keeps dating you.

The choice is yours as far as whether you stay or go.

One thing you mustn’t do is stay too long.

The more rope you give some men, the more they take.

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29 thoughts on “If He Doesn’t See A Future With Me, Why Is He Dating Me?”

  1. I found this really interesting, is there anything on this website that talks about how to predict how long your relationship is gonna last?

  2. Hi Morgen Williams,

    Predicting how long your relationship is going to last typically depends on a number of factors.

    You will have to consider how emotions can change over time.

    Where you are mentally in the relationship in 6 months may not be where your partner is mentally.

    Here is an article that talks a little bit more about this topic – Can This Relationship Last?

  3. what if he broke up with me because he didn’t see one. could this mean he really doesn’t or just needs to figure it out?

  4. Hi Samantha Lovece,

    If he had been behaving very distant towards you before he broke up with you, he may truly not see a future with you.

    However, if this break up was sudden and he had been behaving normally prior to that, he may need this time to figure it out.

  5. My boyfriend and I love each other so much, we have been dating for more than a year and we never had any issues. We are a very happy couple, but my boyfriend just told me he is not sure if he sees me in his future and He is scared. He likes to keep continue dating me but he doesn’t know what does he want to do. He decided to think more about for couple more month and if he finds out he still can’t see the future with me, we should brake up even tho he loves me!
    What should I do? I’m very upset and lost.

  6. Hi Abby,

    Both you and your boyfriend have been dating for more than a year and he may be feeling unfulfilled with the relationship.

    However, you can’t really make him feel something that he isn’t, so try not to do anything right now out of panic.

    Since you have never really had any issues with him, it may be because you both never really talk about things that may be bothering you both or that may be important to you both.

    Perhaps this is the time to begin having more honest discussions with each other.

    You should be willing to take criticism from him just as he should be willing to take criticism from you.

    If you are both honest in being open with one another, you may discover that there have always been issues in your relationship.

    You were both just too unwilling to be honest about them.

    By working on whatever issues you both uncover, you may be able to keep the relationship on track and ultimately give him a stronger sense that he does see you in his future.

  7. Hi Dating Logic,

    Me & my boyfriend of 4 years currently live together & the past few months haven’t been easy for either of us. It’s started with his love for games & lack of drive, all the while me nagging for his time & work habits. eventually he just started getting distant, turning to the video game.. He decided to leave when our lease is up within a few weeks, and in the process is saving his money. We have our lovey moments at times, because old habits are hard to kill. However, he’s been depressed with life. We talked last night, and I let him know I’m willing to work on us if he is. He said he loves me, but with the way things have been he doesn’t know what he wants & also doesn’t see a future with me. But still he’s been trying for my attention, and still showing me affection here and there. We even cuddled after the conversation, while going to bed, which he asked permission for first. I really do love him, & I’m scared to lose him! But I also want to understand where he’s coming from.

  8. Hi Erica,

    He may have reached a point in the relationship where he knows that you are expecting more from him and he doesn’t believe that he is in a position to give you that.

    As you mentioned, he lacks drive and has started trying to escape his responsibilities and reality by turning to video games.

    He still shows you affection and tries to get your attention because he still has feelings for you.

    However, he knows that you are both at two different places as far as what you both want out of life and he may be feeling the pressure.

    This may be why he told you that he doesn’t know what he wants and doesn’t see a future with you.

  9. I’ve been in a “unlabeled thing” for around 11 months. I’ve known him for almost 4 years prior to that. From the beginning he told me not to have expectations and he is happy to see where this goes. I was not ready for a serious relationship, and although I’m further along I still don’t think I am ready for anything yet. I was okay with giving us time, even though knowing he didn’t want anything with me did hurt.

    A few weeks ago I told him I was starting to develop serious attachments to him and wanted to start working towards something serious. He said he was happy to try, as long I understood not to have expectations. But he also said that when I was “spilling my heart out” he didn’t feel anything. That although he wanted a future and he wasn’t looking for anyone right now, he didn’t see a future with me. He didn’t feel the sparkles. He does feel a connection and we are incredibly close friends and have great chemistry, but he feels as though I’m putting more into the relationship and I will end up getting hurt so it’s my call.

    Almost everyone advises to leave the relationship if that is the case. However, one old lady told me to stick it out. Show him how amazing a future would be, control my expectations and focus on my other goals because he is making me happy right now (except for the thing about the future) and to let things fall into place. If he fits into my life goals, then things will work out, else they wont. However, because we are both scared of emotional intimacy we have kept distance. Things have felt more intimate recently and I think we are starting to trust each other properly. As healthy as the relationship is and as great as everything else is; the fact that I’m willing to try and see a future with him, but he doesn’t has been bugging me a lot.

    It could be what you said, that he isn’t there yet and might be scared of thinking about something so definitive. I’m just not sure how to proceed. Leaving him and finding someone who can see a future with me is an option. The thought of leaving him just really hurts, though. The thing is, my gut just doesn’t want to let go of the idea that this is going to go somewhere.

    I don’t know what to do.

  10. Hi Flora,

    He did tell you that you were putting more into the relationship and that you will end up hurt.

    He has also shown a lack of spirit or energy when it comes to taking his relationship with you to the serious level. He just seems much more content to be your friend.

    I know you think about the chemistry that you both share.

    However, this kind of chemistry doesn’t always mean that the other person is looking at you as a long-term romantic prospect.

    You’ve known him for 4 years.

    That is more than enough time for him to know where he stands with you and where he wants things to go.

    Your gut may not want to let go of the idea that this is going to go somewhere but your mind has to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t want to have a serious relationship with you.

  11. My boyfriend of 10 months (I’m not 20, he’s 24). He has no drive to get a job or anything of the sort. anytime I bring up the future he tells me I’m putting too much pressure on him. For example, the other day I asked where he saw himself in 10 yrs and he told me he didn’t know, and asked me the same question. I said “I don’t know, maybe married, being an oncologist, pregnant with my 3rd baby” and he sighed and said “you put a lot of pressure on me about kids”. I previously brought children up to him once by asking “so you really never want kids huh? Maybe we should talk about how longterm we don’t want the same things” and that day he told me “we’ve only been together for 6 months you’re freaking me out with this conversation”.
    I don’t want to be in this and waste my time and get hurt more in the end when this comes back up in a couple years if we make it that far and come to find out we both still don’t want the same things. His reluctance to speak about the topic makes it even worse feeling for me. Other than this, we have a fantastic relationship, we get along great, have great communication about our other issues.

  12. Hi Pamela,

    You aren’t on the same page as your boyfriend and that can be troublesome.

    You are 20 and yet you are showing a lot more drive than he is.

    At 24, he should be more mature than this. He is not a kid anymore.

    If you are looking for someone that you can have a future with, your boyfriend may not be the guy for you.

  13. Hi Dating Logic

    I’ve been dating my bf for a little over 3 years now. Before we reached our 3rd year, I found out he cheated on me. I gave him another chance. After I gave him another chance, our relationship has been different. He used to give me constant attention and now he gives me half. We had a conversation about it and then he promised he would put more into the relationship. For a few weeks he did just that. But then it totally dropped.
    I brought it up again and he told me that he just feels like I’m too good for him and he doesn’t deserve me. He says he loves me still, he doesn’t want me out of his life at all. But he just doesn’t see a future with me. I asked him has he been feeling like this before the cheating? He said no, just up until he realized he doesn’t deserve me. He said, since he doesn’t see a future with me right at this moment, it doesn’t mean he won’t see it down the road. Right now he just wants to focus on his son.
    Honestly what do you see in this? Maybe as a woman I read way into things and what he has told me is in fact what he means.

  14. To add, he says he doesn’t want to necessarily start over but anew. But at this time he just wants to be with his son. I’m not sure if the distance will be good or bad.

  15. Hi Gail,

    As far as what I see in all this, it doesn’t appear that he has ever loved you the way you love him.

    He cheated on you while you were in the heat of your relationship.

    That is never a good sign.

    There is a part of him that may wish that he could feel more for you but he just can’t force himself to feel something that he doesn’t.

    He essentially has taken you for granted and being that you forgave him for cheating on you, he has reached a point where he feels like the relationship is too convenient and lacks excitement.

    It’s unlikely that he just wants to focus on his son.

    He may have told you that to make you feel better.

    It feels like he just wants to start with someone new.

  16. Hi Dating Logic,

    My boyfriend and I are coming up to our 1 year anniversary and he’s just told me that he doesn’t see a future with me and I’m not the one for him. We are both pretty young and thus my boyfriend will graduate end of 2017. He has told me he doesn’t want to break up any time soon and would like to stay with me until he leaves the country once he graduates.
    It’s not possible for me to go with him because of commitments and financials (his reasoning) and just says he doesn’t see me in his future no matter what.

    I’m really having a hard time figuring out what to do, if I should stay and hurt later or leave now and hurt now.

  17. Hi Dayna,

    He has clearly stated that he doesn’t see a future with you but he wants to stay with you until he leaves the country upon graduation.

    That would leave you despondent and alone.

    You may be better off counting your losses now and ending the relationship.

    If he was truly serious about wanting a future with you, he would have done everything in his power to be with you.

  18. Hi dating Logic,

    To start of, I’ve been dating my bf for almost 2 years.. were both mid 20s, he’s 26 and I’m 25.
    Ever since we started dating we’ve always argued about anything and everything. Mainly my fault since I’m very insecure and jealous. In the beginning he very much wanted to be with me, he believed that we can make things work and all that, basically he was the one that really wanted to be with me. Throughout the months, things got worse and we started to argue everyday and broke up almost every week. Fast forward to now, we’ve been ok for about a couple weeks so I brought up the topic of our future and where this relationship is going. He basically said that he can’t say he loves me or that he can see us getting married. I’m heart broken since I love him and I’ve thought about our future. He told me he wants to be with me right now because he likes me a lot and likes spending time with me but he doesn’t see anything for the future. Pretty much he doesn’t see us together being happy later on in life. I’m so hurt by this and I don’t really know what to think of it.

  19. I don’t know what to do. He said that we can stay together and see where it goes and if it gets better (but then he said he can almost see us not working out) Or we can break up now… I don’t know what to do

  20. Hi dating logic

    My boyfriend and I have been together for one and a half years but we have been friends for 6 years. We are both 21. Our relationship has not been easy I was completely ready for it but he was completely clueless. As time went on we both learned each other and we progressed and we in a very good place. I am someone who takes relationships seriously because I don’t want to waste my time and feelings. He was admin about having a serious relationship with me but when I asked him if he wants to marry me in the future or daydreams about me in the future he just keeps saying that he doesn’t think of the future and doesn’t know what is going to happen. I really love him and we seem to really work well together but should I just cut my loses if he sees no future?

  21. We both love each other. Any time I asked him about our future, he used to tell me that he can’t marry me with different excuses. He wants us to continue dating without talking about the future. He got angry sometines when I asked him about the next move. I love him a lot, but I want to get married. We had been in the relationship for 18months before I broke up with him few days ago. Do you think he will come back?

  22. Hi Dating logic,

    My boyfriend and I were together for 7 months. Though this month we’ve been having a rough patch. I am 24 and he is 27. we broke up twice and already and got back together again. He says that he does’t see a future with anymore unlike how he used to be. he said that he just want to focus more to himself. He needs time for his studies and building his career as of now. and he does not see me together with him in the future. though, every time we broke apart we miss each other and still talk and spend time together which i find really hard to understand since he says that he needs more time. When where together there are times that i feel that he really loves me but when were apart and just texting he feel really irritated with me and stop calling me by our pet name and become more distant though this distance that i felt will be washed away when were together coz we really enjoy each other’s company. during our last break up, he told me that he still loves me and want to fix our relationship. im starting to think whether if this is the best course of action for us. I dont want to lose our friendship in the process of fixing our relationship. Though i dont want to leave him this time when he is trying to start a new career and pursuing his life goals. and i am the only he’s really open about things about career, love and family. we have this deep connection i dont want to lose. We treat each other as best friend and lover and were almost together most of the time since we work on the same company and same team. we talked and ask for space to do things on his own. though he still text me all the time.

  23. Hi,
    Me and my boyfriend been together for 5 years. We are 32 and 34. We do really well. We felt like were the one for each other when we met. We click so fast and all it was amazing. We love each other and its great. However he had a past where ex gf is crazy and another was a cheater so it wasnt a good past. He said i changed his life and all when we met. I am not one of those girls so i never cheated on him or anything. Recently His friends has to test me to see who i really am because of my bf past experience. They made me look like a bad person out of no where. And thats when me and my bf get into fights once in a while because i dont appreciate it at all, but we bearly fight. He has his freedom. Im not a strict gf. So when i start saying something rude about something like his friends and it upsets him. Well hey i never started it. So recently when he drinks he gets upset so lately he said we dont “click” and that were not good for eachother on the other hand. So i asked him what does he mean if hes planning to break up with me and hes like stop, no im not. But he said i need to change. I dont know what im doing wrong because we have an amazing relationship. Is he feeling jelous or being brainwashed from his friends about his past? Is it mean talking bad? Is he afraid? How can i fix this?

  24. Hi all,

    Me and My boyfriend have been together now for a little under 1,5 years. Even though we aren’t the most logical match, I love him so much and he says, and I believe, he loves me just as much. We have had a really tough year. Both relationship-wise and just dealing with the hard things life can bring to the table sometimes. Really putting pressure on our relationship.. but every time we made it through en managed to be there for each other.
    We are both from a different cultural background, which especially for him, seems to be a problem. He has told me numerous times that he loves me and can’t be without me but he has also told me he is not my future nor am I his.
    We tried being apart for a while.. just because we are so ‘unlogical’ but that just ended in tears all around.. we couldn’t be apart from each other so we got back together.
    The thing is though.. I can’t seem to get his ‘I am not your future and you are not mine’-statement out of my head.. I can’t fully enjoy our time together and I can’t even seem to be able to tell him I love him anymore (even though I really really do)… not sure what to do next..

  25. This is extremely helpful, as are the comments on here so thank you in general for the advice/words of wisdom.

    I do need some more advice though, as the case with my boyfriend is a little trickier; he doesn’t think of his future. Period. There is literally no one in his future. Quote unquote “My family will die, my dogs will die and we’ll eventually fade away.” Thinking of it terrifies him, even thinking of a future with me.

    Now, this is the hard part; besides that he does have moments where he’s more than happy to discuss our potential future together; children, what house we’d live in, what family pets we’d like to have etc., and has even said upon me asking that he does think I’m “The one,” and wants to spend as long as possible with me, but is still incredibly uncomfortable discussing his future and feels incredibly guilty not being able to tell me if he’ll always love me, as he can’t see his future.

    He says it’s partly because of his fear of becoming a old man and looking back on his life and finding he’s wasted it and partly because he doesn’t know what kind of person he is, which I admit, I have trouble understanding as his personality is so obvious to me – a confident man with very solid morals and overall a good person who because of said personality will have a very easy life.

    He has said that he doesn’t believe his fear/uncomfort with the future will ever change, however he also stated that is something he wants to figure out on his own (Still in a relationship with me, but he literally just wants to sort his own issues on his own without my help but with my support), so I’m not really sure if I can do anything to help as it obviously distresses him

    I’m not really asking for much advice, much more just understanding. Neither of us want to break up (Our very last resort), and am obviously very ready to work through this so please none of those “Break up with him now!” answers.

  26. Hi,
    My case is a little bit different.
    Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 and half year and we had many issues through this time we also broke up for a week but we got back together. We both are 21 and study medical science in the same university and this means we are going to have a good financial future.
    But when it happens for us to talk about the future he says we are taking it and see what will happen and right now we cannot predict it but i say we should consider it right now to see if we both are wanting the same things or not, but I think he’s not really interested in thinking of me in his future by not talking to me about it.

  27. Hi I’m looking at it from an older perspective I’ve been with my S/O for more than two years we are in a long-distance relationship
    he’s a retired military man 47 never married no children living in Hawaii and I’m retired Transportation manager living in the state of New Jersey I have been married widowed and I have three grown children one of my children actually lives in Hawaii and my son-in-law introduced us that’s how we met
    we first met and started dating we had planned to both retire the same year in which we did
    in the beginning of the relationship was on track we both wanted the same things the plan was to sell or rent one or both of our homes use one as rental property income and move to a state which we both wanted to live in here on the mainland we are both financially stable so money is not an issue with us
    since then things have been slowing down and he’s Been dangling the carrot of our future plans in my face but not progressing with the relationship
    We are in love and we are best friends I complete his sentences and he completes mines we make each other laugh
    And the intimacy is awesome he often tells me I’m the only person he can talk to he’s not really close to any of his family so I haven’t met any of them yet
    I’m afraid that he has gotten complacent in the relationship and it’s okay where it is where I wanted to stick to the plans that we made because I don’t know if I can maintain a long distance relationship for long we’re both getting older I don’t want to spend my golden years in a long distance relationship I express it to him but and he will talk about it but he won’t take action and then change the subject I don’t know what to do we’re not getting any younger and we don’t have seven, ten years to throw into a relationship where there’s no commitment I don’t know what to do I don’t know if I should leave him and cut him completely off of my life hoping that maybe he will understand and see how important I am to him or wait it out to see if eventually he comes around and we get back on track at one point I was willing to move to Hawaii if that’s where he wanted to stay but he said no he didn’t want to stay in Hawaii

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