Why did he not give me a chance ??!!!

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Luke 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #98827 Reply

    Radwa
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    ok so I am 28 years old and have been single all my life for some reason that I don’t really know ( lacked confidence, fear, never really get close to guys or never really met the right guy )
    Anyways there was this ray of sunlight across my love life that there is a handsome, successful man, young (he’s 33 now) was interested in me as he saw me somewhere and was attracted for one or two years and then we finally met each other. It was hard enough for him to reach me, he had to go through a cycle from talking to his sister then to her friend then to my friend so its quite an achievement hahaha.
    So we went out with 2 friends which he was more acquainted with ( bear in mind that he did not know that I knew he was interested and he did not know he was about to meet me that day… the moment he walked in there was no eye contact at all and he doesn’t really look my way at all. He kept talking to the other girls mainly and then he started to focus on me asking me questions like where do you work, movies, sports etc. He had to leave one hour later so we talked for quite a bit, he seemed very nervous, talkative and laughing at the wrong times. It was okay I wouldn’t say it was a perfect date and we have great chemistry as I felt like his nerves were getting in the way. I talked confidently and expressed myself really well, talked a loooot about my job and did not really ask about him to not make him feel any pressure so I was going with the flow. At a certain point I felt maybe he got bored but I really don’t know what was going through his head. He just left and said nice to meet you and that we should do this again but he said to my friend after two days that he apologized for leaving all of a sudden and he gave very positive feedback about me but he just did not feel the chemistry !! I thought why did he not give this a chance ? He obviously saw me before and was pretty attracted so why the hell did he leave ?? We might have had something if we get comfortable and talk without any pressure. My friend asked him then what kind of girl do you want ? he said someone similar to my sister !! thats weird why would a guy compare me to his sister or maybe he was trying to say he needed a characteristic in her that I didn’t have ? maybe I am not posh enough or intimidating ? I really can’t figure it out and my mind will burst through the top of my head ! I am a really nice person with many qualities but why can’t I meet someone ? why is it so hard for me ?? Why did he not even take my number or instagram ? Should I contact him ? I can’t really get over this since I didn’t really meet anyone new and that date was almost 9 months ago !!! PLEASE HELP ME :(((((((

    #98828 Reply

    Luke
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    Hi Radwa,

    He may not have given this a chance because, as he told your friend two days later, he just didn’t feel the chemistry with you.

    He told your friend that he wanted someone like his sister because she may possess certain characteristics that he would want in a potential girlfriend.

    It may have had nothing to do with you not being posh or intimidating enough.

    For all you know, he may prefer women that are more genteel and warm.

    He left because he had spent enough time with you to surmise that the chemistry just wasn’t there.

    Even though you are a really nice person with many good qualities, you may be finding it difficult or hard to meet someone because you aren’t putting yourself in the right environments to meet someone that would be compatible with you.

    It may work to your advantage if you start changing up where you tend to go to socialize with people.

    This change alone could make all the difference.

    He probably didn’t take your number or Instagram because his mind was made up about how he felt about you.

    He may have been worried that if he took your number or Instagram, he would be giving you hope and placing undue pressure on himself to court you.

    You shouldn’t contact him.

    He has already told your friend about what he felt.

    If you were to contact him, you could run the risk of becoming the one who keeps initiating contact in the hopes that you can get him to like you.

    This would only waste your time and make you look desperate.

    A good way to get over this is to accept that the both of you weren’t compatible.

    Regardless of how much you feel that he should have given this a chance, he already made the decision to move on because he simply felt that there was no chemistry.

    He most likely didn’t believe that chemistry could happen even if the both of you were to meet again and talk some more.

    The sooner you accept that there is no chance with this guy, the easier it will be for you to get over him.

    #98838 Reply

    Radwa
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    Thanks a lot Luke for your reply, I really admire how you deliver the message in a direct, clear and nice way.

    You are right that I should drop this and move on which I did but I just keep remembering it when I have nothing on my mind and not busy so I start overthinking.

    But don’t you think that nerves could get in the way as he was clearly not being himself as his friends said.

    I don’t know why I keep thinking that its something I did because I am not really good with the guys and don’t know how to flirt or draw his attention, I was just being myself and talking naturally. My life coach said before that maybe I have fear of intimacy and don’t exude that inviting vibe or welcoming guys to get romantically involved with me.

    Do you think he could ever think of me again ? I feel like its very farfetched he already left without any contact. I am really surprised that this is the same guy who wanted to meet me for 2 years and kept insisting to meet me after asking about my profile and what I do and whats my background and got really excited and attracted to me, when we finally meet he gives me no attention or eye contact except after half an hour of talking in a group.

    Is it my looks ? did he change his mind when he saw me up close ? I feel like he might have drawn an image of me or had certain expectations and was turned off after realising that I don’t meet them ?

    Sorry for the long message
    Thanks a lot for your help

    #98841 Reply

    Luke
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    Hi Radwa,

    If nerves had gotten in the way, he would most likely have wanted another chance at meeting you so as to show you his true personality.

    Being that you both have mutual friends, he probably would have let your friend know that he thinks that he was too nervous during that meeting and would love to have another opportunity to show you his true personality.

    He didn’t do this.

    Instead, he told your friend that he didn’t feel any chemistry with you.

    It is unlikely that he could ever think of you again.

    His anticipation to meet you had been building for two years.

    When he finally got to meet you, you were not what he was hoping for.

    You were not what he had fantasized or envisioned in his mind over the course of those two years.

    The letdown or disappointment that he experienced during his meeting with you may have been strong enough to keep him from wanting to think about you again.

    If he already knew what you looked like before he met you, it is unlikely that it was your looks that led him to become disinterested in you.

    It is also unlikely that he changed his mind when he saw you up close.

    It seems like he was mostly concerned with your characteristics.

    He told your friend that he wanted someone like his sister.

    When he said this, he was most likely not referring to his sister’s looks.

    He was most likely referring to his sister’s characteristics.

    This is why it is unlikely that it was your looks that was the dealbreaker for him.

    Yes, he had expectations and was most likely turned off when you didn’t meet them.

    However, it seems to be more about chemistry than anything else.

    He just didn’t feel like he connected with you and that was enough to cause him to lose interest.

    #106824 Reply

    Radwa
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    Hi Luke,

    HAAPPYYY NEW YEAR !!!

    since its a new year and I am trying to start fresh, I think I need serious help with my love life which is a big ZERO, I am not ignoring this anymore and can’t wait any longer, none of my friends advice are helping and they are all not experts and can barely run their own lives … this year I will be 29 years old and its very close to 30 which is a danger zone for all single girls out there.

    I am seriously becoming desperate as I need and want to feel loved and desired and willing to love and care for someone ( not thinking of kids right now … a bit selfish at this phase and want the attention on me and him thats all, I want to live a life that I did not get a chance to share with someone )

    I think I might be the reason for being single, maybe my overthinking is standing in my way. I am the kind of girl who does everything on her own traveling, shopping etc … although I have my friends and family but I need time to share with someone who really only cares about my happiness, most of my friends now are busy with their partners or their lives and I have to have my own too. My colleagues at work aren’t anything I can consider out of a friend-zone so thats that and I am not meeting any new people really except through friends which does not happen that often. In my country its not really the norm to talk to guys whom I don’t know and I already tried tinder but it takes such a long time for a guy to answer and take the lead in a conversation so I closed the account.

    Its very rare to find someone I like, in college I was attracted to many guys but I didn’t know them and never felt they would look at me so I just never did anything about that and since graduation I meet less guys so more or less I live my love life in my head and not in real life.

    I always thought the reason for my single life was my looks and that I wasn’t anyone’s type. Also I didn’t focus on being single it upset me a lot and cried my way to sleep so many nights but I never really exerted any effort to fix that, I always wait for the guys to approach me as I think its not my role to approach them. I just worked on myself, my personality, my work, my looks, body, hair,makeup, make sure I am feminine and stylish to feel satisfied and more confident.

    So I tried to work with a life coach on my self-love, self- esteem, self worth and try as much as I can to enjoy my life and live it to the utmost. Yet my overthinking and my negative thoughts and insecurities come creeping in and get a hold of me that I am not pretty enough, my body is not what guys like because I have small breasts, no one will ever love me the way I want, will never find a guy I like, respect and admire, waiting for such a long time to start a relationship limits my options and doesn’t give me a lot of freedom to choose so I am afraid I am going to have to settle for something less than what I always imagined or had in mind.

    I think at the same time that hey I have many characteristics, I am funny, smart, artistic, sensitive, kind, stylish and sometimes sexy. But I doubt it when I don’t get any guys attention, especially the guy who I sent you about who did not feel any chemistry with me … I felt like wtf no chemistry !! please give me a chance I am awesome :'( other than him I’ve been approached but always from the guys I don’t like or not attracted to … waiting for so long made me have maybe higher standards and want nothing but the best not just any guy no I deserve someone amazing.

    I am afraid being single and independent all that time made me tougher, unapproachable or intimidating as I show that I can do everything on my own and don’t need anyone as I am not going to beg for someone’s attention. I am very emotional but I rely on my brains more than my heart or a mix so maybe it sort of shows or my vibes are putting people off ?? So I am not always the sweetest person in the room and not the most girly and bubbly girl. I just don’t know whats wrong with me ?!!!!

    Everyone around me has someone who loves them, how come I am not worthy of love ? how come I am so lonely ? I try to change things that I see are wrong like maybe I need to show more emotions and show my love more as I usually don’t let my feelings out, I keep them inside which hurts a little so they think I am tough but I am fragile and weak but I seem otherwise. Maybe I don’t know how to love, how to give ? but I am romantic and love Love yet I cant experience it !

    I am sorry that was too long, just trying to tell you everything so that you’d be able to help me better and get a clearer image. I will be in a relationship this year thats a goal now.

    #106827 Reply

    Luke
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    Hi Radwa,

    Happy New Year to you as well.

    You have a lot going for you and that’s fabulous.

    Yes, in staying single for this long, you may have reached a point where you have become fiercely independent.

    This may be the kind of vibe that you give off to guys and it will often put a damper on their level of attraction for you.

    Guys want to feel like the girl that they are with needs them. They want to feel important. If they get the sense that you are fiercely independent and simply don’t need anyone, they will feel unnecessary.

    Though you say that you actually have a fragile interior, guys can’t see that. They can only see what you show them.

    Start getting into the habit of letting guys do favors for you or help you with certain tasks on your to-do list. It doesn’t matter whether this is a work colleague, a family member or just a platonic guy friend that you may have.

    Allowing this to happen over time will help you start developing a mindset of inclusion and healthy feminine vulnerability.

    This mindset can easily transfer into how you go about interacting with guys and the natural vibe that you are beginning to give off. Guys will sense this change and also see it in your actions.

    As a result, they will most likely respond to it in a positive way by either asking you out or trying to build a relationship with you that could lead to romance.

    This is because you would have planted the seed in their minds that you are someone who responds to their desire to be needed in a way that compliments them and makes them feel masculine.

    Your body language may need a major makeover in general.

    Your body language is often what guys feed off of when it comes to discerning whether you are someone that they should approach or not.

    The guys that have approached you in the past that you weren’t attracted to may have done so despite your negative body language because they simply didn’t care and felt like they had nothing to lose.

    However, if you want to attract the kind of guys that you would be attracted to, you need to improve your body language whenever you are around them.

    Worrying so much about what guys like or don’t like in terms of your body and personality will only make you come across as uptight or closed off.

    Instead of doing that, be accepting of yourself. Value yourself. Believe that the right guy would be lucky to have you. This is a positive mindset. It is not about being conceited. It is about acceptance of yourself.

    You have to believe that you have just as much to offer the right guy as he has to offer you. With this mindset, start putting yourself in environments that scare you. Yes, get out of your comfort zone.

    Think about an activity that you haven’t done that would be challenging and completely out of the norm of something that you would typically do.

    Of course, always be safe. However, make it a point to engage in at least one of these activities each month. This will help to build your confidence dramatically, especially as you experience successes along the way amid failures.

    As time goes on, you will become a lot more happy with the person that you are and this will often be reflected in your body language.

    This exercise will also help you love yourself in a healthy way. Once you learn how to truly love yourself, you will feel so much better about your worthiness to be loved.

    This kind of experience also gives you strong insight into how to go about loving someone.

    Once you reach this point, the radiance in your body language and general outlook on life will be too hard for any guy of substance to ignore.

    This is often when the right guy will come into your life who will love you as you deserve to be loved.

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