What should I do?

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This topic contains 7 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Luke 5 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #98859 Reply

    J

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    There’s this one guy that I just never gotten a chance to talk to at work. He always has this serious looking face on and seems so unapproachable. But after being around him I know he’s not a mean or rude guy, in fact he’s actually really attentive and possibly a sweet guy. He’s probably just super serious about work. we did make eye contact and he smiled a little a few times before, but then i got super nervous and just couldn’t look at him anymore. So every time i went by him i would just try to avoid eye contact and i would be so nervous and drop things. I would put on my straight face too naturally because that’s what i do when i’m nervous around someone i like. I don’t know if he just thinks i’m not acknowledging him ever since or what but i don’t want him to think that. But also I think i saw him facetiming a girl and talking to a girl on the phone two separate times before so i kinda just assumed he had a girlfriend. but i don’t wanna make assumptions and instead wanna know if he has any feelings for me. what can i do?

    #98861 Reply

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi J,

    He has a serious-looking face perhaps due to the fact that he is at work and is trying to be professional.

    That being said, so far, he hasn’t shown any significant signs that he may have feelings for you or is attracted to you.

    You have made eye contact with him a few times and he has given you little smiles.

    However, this could have been the same response he would give to anyone that he makes eye contact with in an attempt to be polite.

    What you can do is open up a conversation with him the next time that you see him.

    Being that this is a guy that is at your work, it would be easy to start a conversation with him.

    You could just reference something about work as your opener.

    Once you actually open a conversation with him, it will be easier to determine whether he is attracted to you or has feelings for you based on how he interacts with you from then on.

    #104627 Reply

    J

    Hi Luke,
    So there’s an update. We finally kind of broke the ice after two months of non-talking or any sort of intro whatsoever since we’ve known of each other’s existence. For the past weeks I’ve been initiating and asking him work related questions and even called him by his name a few times, subtly indicating I know his name and am acknowledging him.
    Finally last week he suddenly started talking to me and asking me some questions back, although work related. It’s still a very weak connection but up until today it’s still less than a week since we first talked but I noticed he’s been teasing me. He may have picked up that I’m someone who jokes if he saw me interacting with others but what does it mean if he’s comfortable joking with me and just teasing me so soon after just talking?
    It’s still extremely difficult to read him since he seems to have the serious face at times, like today and it’s so intimidating. I can’t tell if he’s upset or what. We haven’t really had any legit conversation yet but the ice is somewhat broken. A colleague also subtly told me that he was taken and although I expected it, I can’t be 100% sure if he was being serious.
    How should I be reading his actions?

    #104652 Reply

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi J,

    Good job in initiating conversation.

    If he is now teasing you less than a week since you both first talked, he may be showing tentative signs of attraction.

    He may be comfortable joking with you and teasing you so soon because he may have realized through your work-related conversations that the both of you have some similarities in personality and even temperament.

    However, this may not be something that he uniquely experiences with you.

    There may be a few other people at work that he has this kind of connection with.

    It would be to your advantage to observe his behavior when he is interacting with co workers.

    If there are some that he teases, this would indicate that your experience with him is not unique.

    If he doesn’t tease other co workers, then again, he may be showing tentative signs of attraction.

    He is still going to have a serious face at work at times.

    That’s just him in work mode.

    Try not to take it personally.

    It is actually not directed at you.

    He probably has no idea that you are as intimidated by his serious face as you are.

    So far, you can read his actions by understanding that you have taken the first steps in opening him up and allowing him to feel more motivated to start conversations with you.

    Last week, he actually initiated conversation with you.

    This is a good sign.

    It will still take some time for him to feel entirely at ease with you to the point where he suggests going out to lunch or meeting after work, but this is a point in time that may be possible.

    This of course is predicated on him not already being taken.

    It would be to your advantage to find out whether he is single or not as soon as you can.

    This way, you don’t spend the next several weeks interacting with him and beginning to become more and more hopeful for romance, only to find out that it was all for naught because he is taken and emotionally unavailable to you.

    #104902 Reply

    J

    Luke, it feels as if it’s been one hell of a ride these past few weeks. And at this exact moment I am just feeling absolutely miserable.

    So basically this week he started asking me for hugs and it really gave me hope that there could be something building even though we still never really gotten to know each other. But i thought there was at least a connection and attraction, that he had genuine feelings for me. I was almost sure of it until I found out that he is still with his girlfriend, going strong too probably. So what am I? These past weeks I’ve been giving up and letting go, telling myself that he’s taken, he has a girlfriend but then each time he would come to me again and give me hope, false hope. I would pull away and he’ll come closer; I’ll give up then have hope, repeat. But now I feel sick and almost disgusted wondering what his intentions are, i’m starting to think i’m just his at-work entertainment. I honestly wouldn’t hurt as much and be so disappointed if he just didn’t engage with me at all i would have never expected him to be someone using me for whatever intentions he has. I respected him and thought highly of him all along. I really don’t want to find out that he’s actually a borderline player. To be clear, I would also never ever become a third party or be involved with someone unavailable. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to see him anymore and I don’t want things to be awkward, I really don’t. It hurts to think about him, I couldn’t sleep well for the past two months, I would just wake up in the middle of the night and think about him, he would always pop up in my mind when i don’t see him and leave me wondering if he actually has feelings for me. I’ve never been so confused by a guy before, usually I would just assume it’s unrequited feelings and that at least didn’t give me false hope. i’m so emotionally drained by this guy and it’s also affecting my work. what can i do?

    #104903 Reply

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi J,

    You could start by avoiding getting yourself in extended one on one situations with him at work.

    Maintaining your physical distance from him will also benefit you.

    In other words, avoid giving him hugs, even if he asks for them.

    What you are experiencing with this guy at the workplace isn’t unusual.

    A guy could have a girlfriend but still show signs of romantic interest to a female coworker.

    Oftentimes, the guys who do this are looking for an ego boost at work.

    They don’t typically care for the female coworker in a romantic sense.

    They just like the fact that they are able to get her attention.

    It makes them feel like they are still appealing.

    These are often guys who have settled into their relationships with their girlfriends and may have now taken them for granted.

    They seek out a little bit of excitement by getting a female coworker to start showing them attention at work.

    Unfortunately, you may be that female coworker to this guy.

    Every time he comes to you at work, remind yourself that this guy has a girlfriend.

    This will help in keeping you from developing false hope again and again.

    Always remember to avoid putting yourself in extended one on one situations with him.

    Avoid eye contact as much as possible.

    You also have to stop thinking about him in your free time outside of work.

    To do this, get yourself busy with other activities outside of work.

    In other words, avoid spending too much time being idle.

    The more you do this, the more involved you will be in the other activities that you are partaking in.

    As a result, as time goes on, you will think about those activities more and him less.

    Always catch yourself whenever you start daydreaming about him.

    Remember that all of that is fantasy and that the real person is actually in a relationship with a girlfriend.

    That will help to bring you back to reality.

    Being emotionally drained by a guy and having thoughts of him affect you at work is not a good place to be.

    It will take time and effort to get this man out of your mind.

    However, the sooner you start putting out this effort, the better.

    #106616 Reply

    J

    I’m looking for some closure to this toxic situation.
    So i’ve come to learn and accept the fact that he was basically using me. I indeed sensed it since we never had legit conversations.
    I wanted to just avoid him at all costs but it would be too obvious and I wanted to just remain neutral colleagues/friends. I didn’t want to make things ugly.
    Anyway, I noticed he made sexual comments in front of me on two different occasions but i just brushed it off which was a really bad sign to me. Those two times he offered to drive me home and I just immediately sensed red flags.
    I tried to be sure and ask what his intentions were but he shrugged it off each time. I was hoping I wasn’t overthinking. I was surely disappointed because I was sensing bad intentions, and that would mean he’s full blown cheating. It made me see him in a completely different light.
    Can you confirm my intuition was right and that I wasn’t overthinking?
    I tried to let him know that he should respect himself and me, but i later realized i made it sound like a confession as i was telling him how i respected/looked up to him, but i was trying to get him to not make unwanted requests to me anymore.
    He definitely took it as a confession and told me he’s taken, which is the first time he admitted and acknowledged this to me after all this flirting.
    If I hadn’t known he was taken, I would have definitely fell for him/thought he liked me which is terrible because it feels like he’s done playing with his toy and is now throwing me out. He didn’t know I knew because he never mentioned her to me and i only knew because of a colleague that told me, but this just makes him an absolute terrible person right? Because he was initiating everything and I would’ve totally fell for him only for him to mess with my feelings like this. It’s a pity because I had an extremely good impression of him as a person and colleague in general, how he interacts with and treats people around him, his work ethic. But now it’s all shattered and I see all the ugliness in him and I’m just completely disappointed in him as a person, not only for what he did to me.
    I’m now absolutely traumatized and have no faith in men that approach me in the future. I feel like I will never be able to distinguish when men have genuine feelings or just want to hook up or if they are just using me as an ego boost.

    #106617 Reply

    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi J,

    Whether your intuition was right or you were overthinking his intentions when he directed sexual comments at you and offered to drive you home is really irrelevant.

    What you do know is that this guy was seemingly making passes at you at work and he has had a girlfriend this whole time.

    If you are looking for closure, you won’t get it when you allow yourself to get into extended conversations with him.

    Whatever he tells you will only make you think about why he said what he said even more.

    The fact that he never told you that he was taken and yet was constantly flirting with you at work wasn’t a particularly nice thing to do.

    Yes, you most likely would have fallen for him if you hadn’t found out that he had a girlfriend from a colleague.

    However, to call him an absolutely terrible person may depend on what you consider to be terrible traits in a person.

    As far as he is concerned, he never asked you out or made any blatant attempt to hook up with you.

    And if you say that he treats other people at work well and has a good work ethic, he and many others may not believe him to be a terrible person at all.

    This is why you must always be diligent when it comes to your thoughts on a person that you desire.

    Before truly getting to know the person, you could mentally build them up to something that they may or may not be because you like them and want to be with them.

    You should count yourself lucky that you found out about his girlfriend as soon as you did.

    Now, start taking the steps necessary to move on with your life.

    Again, this requires that you avoid engaging with him at work over an extended period of time, whether it be through conversation or eye contact.

    Be professional and civil to him, as you would anyone else at work.

    However, focus your time and attention on your work and on the people that you have positive relationships with.

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