Slept with my guy friend, now he is acting strange

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    I’ve been friends with this guy (I will call J) for 17 years. We meet the summer before high school bc we were trying out for the same band position. Of course he wins the spot bc he is the better musician. I was devastated at first but we quickly became close. We use to sit at lunch together sometimes ride the bus together. Tell each other about people we liked. At one point in time I would call him a best guy friend. We even attended the same church. But like most high school friendships I graduated before him and we grew a part but still remained friends. He had a child at 21 and I got married at 24. We remained in contact it has always been friendly and full of laughs. Flash forward years later I’m back in town after living abroad for 3 years. Me and him were so excited to see each that we ended up kissing when the night was through. Problem? I’m still technically married. Me and J slept with each a few times after the night we kissed. It was clearly enjoyable for both parties and felt weirdly natural. He was having trouble lasting in bed bc it was good for both of us. Well one day he broke things off with me saying basically “let’s stay friends”. It hurt me more than I could ever imagine. Bc I realized it wasnt just lust but maybe I was falling in love with my former best friend more than just platonicly. Whenever I see his family it hurts like a knife in my back. J always is a winner, very confident and always in control of his emotions. This is something I’ve always known about him but it never effected me bc we were just friends. Now when I see him in public he stands afar pretending as if he doesn’t see me but friends of mine catch him stealing glances. Occasionally he might like something of mine on Instagram. But for someone that wants to be friends he is certainly not acting like one of 17 years. I know he can be selfish and even narcissistic at times. But I’m confused bc on one hand I miss my friend terribly but I also miss the incredible things we were feeling when being intimate. I’m not sure how to be his friend right now but I also feel incomplete without him in my life.

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