- This topic has 2 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 3 years, 7 months ago by Adelle.
April 2, 2020 at 3:09 pm #113139Seth RojasGuest
Hello, I recently watched a datinglogic video and saw that there was a place I could go to for advice or guidance. The video was about a partner being hurt from their past relationship and to “not overdo it” by giving and showing them too much love without receiving it back as it is a give and take dynamic. I have recently come into some problems with my relationship partner and would really appreciate any guidance or advice you are willing to share with me.
My girlfriend and I have been dating since late January. She was in a very toxic relationship for about 2 to 3 years and was broken off around late September. She did her thing and explored sexual encounters with other people before we got together. We met through work and were hooking up casually for about a 2 weeks until I started to develop feelings. I expressed to her that I was developing these feelings and she said that she was also gaining feelings for me as well. From then on we decided to make it official that we were a couple.
Weeks went by and we started to become more and more comfortable with each other, learning more and more about one another every day. However she was still dealing with her ex even up until we were just starting our relationship. It got to the point where I had helped her get a restraining order on him but I made sure it was of her own accord and that she was okay with it and what it came with. Apparently he’s been abusive verbally and threatened her life on 2 occasions as well as physically putting his hands on her. I told her that I cannot continue to be with her if she doesn’t commit to putting the order on him as she was putting it off. I know she still has love for him but is not in love with him, Or maybe deep down she is. She agreed that it was too much and that she did want me enough to follow through on the order.
After the order was done and he was arrested we finally felt free to be together and be with each other fully. Everything was great, a few small arguments here and there but nothing that altered our dynamics or changed our mutual feelings. We started to fall more and more in love as the days went on. Talking about each other’s dreams, fantasizing of travel and vacation, even talking about our loved ones we cherish so much that have now passed away. We were on cloud 9, and I know she was too as She explained to me how happy I’ve made her and that everything is so different with me, and how happy she is to have me show her what it’s really like to love and be loved. Now with the quarantine of the covid-19 virus we are both stuck at hone left to our own devices with nothing more than a video call everyday with each other. It was only a few days ago, that everything changed…
I woke up to a text on my phone from her saying that she needs to talk to me. I immediately reply and ask her what’s wrong. I soon start to feel my heart sink into my stomach. She tells me that we can’t be together and that she had a bad dream about her ex. She told me that the dream had made her hurt so bad that she had realized that she didn’t give herself enough time to heal from her pervious toxic relationship. She then says that she can’t continue on with our relationship and tells me that she isn’t at peace and I don’t deserve to be with her. My soul starts to leave my body as I have been in numerous relationships that did not turn out well for me, continuously leaving me to feel as if I wasn’t enough. I ask her if we can talk about it or if she wants to talk about it but immediately says that she can’t because she doesn’t want to cry, apologizes and leaves me with an I love you text.
I messaged her asking to call her but she keeps continuing to refuse. At this point I’m starting to feel my heartbreak. I send her a long message saying how much I care for her, that I will give her what she deserves and asking her not to give up on us. She says the same thing, that she doesn’t think she had enough time to be okay with being by herself and to heal. She said that what she had told me was just part of their relationship and that she was really put through hell. She said that she thought she could heal by loving me and by feeling loved by me knowing it would be different but she couldn’t. None of this makes sense to me because just literally the day before we were great, amazing even. I understand the reason and that makes perfect sense, but the drastic change of heart is something I was not prepared or ready for. I’ve messaged her saying I do not want to be without her and that her well being is what is most important to me, but I do not want to be without her. I told her that I want to do whatever she needs or doesn’t need me to do. That she is worth waiting for and that I do not want to lose out on my chance at having her in my life as my girlfriend. I offered to be whatever she needs me to be, but to be Honest I want to be her boyfriend. She said she can’t make any promises because she doesn’t know what to feel or what to think. I responded saying u don’t need any promises to be mad, I’m not going to put pressure or have any expectations of you because I want you to be okay again. But I do want to be with her. All I want is to just be with her.
I’m scared. I am terrified. I’m terrified of loss. I’m terrified to see her end up with another man like I have many times in the past. I do not want to give up on this relationship. How could we go from near perfect to on the outs within twenty four hours? I have a strong feeling that she will stay with me as I’ve told her that I will give her the comfort and love that she needs to heal, or if need be the time and space. She hasn’t responded and I told her to take her time before she does.
So my final question, what do I do to try and keep the relationship and her? The obvious answers are in front of me which are, give her the space and let her heal, but what if I step back and lose my chance to keep her. What if I don’t pursue and lose her entirely?
Thank you for listening, my name is seth and I am 23 years old. My girlfriends name is Anah and she is 19. Any and all advice is welcome. Please help me find peace and comfort. Thank you again.
Awesome videos by the way! Really love your content datinglogic!April 2, 2020 at 11:39 pm #113142Friendly strangerGuest
That sounds like it must be difficult for you, especially in these times that make it hard to go over to her and talk things through. Now that we’re socially isolated it makes us reflect more on our feelings as there are less distractions. It sounds like she has realised that she is not ready for a new relationship. If the relationship ended in September and you started dating in January there does not seem to be a lot of time to process what happened, especially the previous relationship being a violent one. This does not have to mean that she doesn’t like you, love you or care about you but that when she was with you she didn’t really have time to process the emotions from her previous relationship and that this is happening now. It may seem like this is happening out of nowhere but it seems to have been an underlying problem which has not been addressed. Depending on the person it could take months and sometimes years to process a destructive, abusive relationship and could interfere with new relationships in the process. This doesn’t say anything about you or your value as a person or being good enough or not. The issue is a separate one, being her not being emotionally available. If you recognise a pattern of you becoming attracted to women who are not emotionally available and leaving you, it makes me think that there might be a reason as to why this keeps happening. Do you recognise emotional neglect in your family growing up, distant parents or parents that were leaning on you for support instead? We tend to follow patterns and becoming aware of problematic patterns in our lives helps us to recognise this and change our behaviour and choices which may lead to healthier and happier outcomes. The issue is not you as a person but the choices that you may make that lead to painful outcomes. But that aside, regardless of the cause, what you are dealing with now are the emotions caused by the way you are thinking about the situation and possibly coming to wrong conclusions (such as the thought that this is caused by you not being good enough). And the emotions, although painful you can stand and tolerate. It is now about accepting that she is not ready for a relationship and she needs to work on her mental health, and it’s a good thing that she has noticed this. Of course this may be hard for you and you seem to be struggling which is normal and it has only just happened and you need time to adjust to this change. But not accepting it will make it a lot harder for you, just give yourself time and you will see that it gets better after a few weeks or months. Luckily this has happened early on in the relationship and not after a couple of years during which you would have developed an even stronger attachment to her. My advice would be to focus on yourself, remembering the other people in your life who care about you and who you care about and focus on your relationship with them. Take to friends, learn a new skill, work on your health, work out, follow a routine as this gives stability. If you start thinking about her then that’s ok, but don’t let yourself dwell on it too much and seek distraction again.
Maybe when things go back to normal contact other girls, go out, even if it’s just to meet other people. She might decide to come back to you when she’s ready, however that might not happen either. If she does come back and she hasn’t dealt with emotional issues then that could again affect your relationship. My advice would be to not become dependant on that as that is never healthy. Feeling sad about this is normal and there is nothing wrong with what you’re feeling. If this continues to be a pattern, in the sense that you continue to end up in these situations then my advice would be to talk to a therapist about it. It does not mean that you are crazy or that something is wrong with you but it could help to understand why it keeps happening.
I hope this helps, good luck and take care of yourself, you will feel better!May 1, 2020 at 10:21 am #113334AdelleGuest
I feel for you
You are going through so much pain and shock
I genuinely feel for you
You did nothing wrong
This was sudden and very tragic for you
The choice of what to do is yours
You cannot force her or somehow keep trying to convince her to be in a relationship with you
If what she wants is time to herself you have to respect that.
At the same time do not put yourself down
You did nothing to deserve this
While respecting her, you have to respect yourself too. If all you want to be is her boyfriend,stick to that and make sure that she knows that clearly
Tell her you love her, respect her wishes, and that only type of relationship you ever want with her is that of a couple
Whether you choose to wait around for her or not she should be clear about where you stand.
If you love her so much and cannot let her go then you have that choice of waiting for her until she comes around
Or you can take some time to heal and realize that after enough time you may be ready to start meeting other people.
Either way focus on yourself and your own healing right now. You have been hurt too. You deserve love and focus from yourself.
You cannot and should not convince her to be in a relationship with you right now if that is not what she wants.
You have to figure out to a way to become ok again. It will take time. But you will heal.
I wish the best for you.
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