Mixed signals from work crush

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  • #98802
    MJ
    Guest

    Hello

    I’ve known this guy since I joined the department 6 months ago. I’d seen him around the office before, he always nodded hello to me even though I didn’t know him. Since I have gotten to know him I’ve really started to like him, got a bit of a crush on him, but I’m not sure how he feels.

    He’s acted very differently over time, he’s gone from smiling and lots of conversations to a month of nothing to telling me he missed me and being excited to see me and/or being quiet and awkward yet trying to stand really close.

    I can’t really judge how he treats other girls because there’s only one woman our age he regularly interacts with aside from me and he’s known her longer, has to work with her a lot more, and she’s more social and has a boyfriend she adores.

    If it helps, he ended a long-term relationship a year ago and only started dating again this summer.

    Thanks

    #98807
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi MJ,

    You may be getting mixed signals from this work crush because he is not at a place emotionally where he is able to make a definitive choice of whether he truly wants to pursue you or not.

    The times when he has smiled and initiated numerous conversations with you, he may have felt more confident about how he feels about you.

    In these moments, he may have believed that he would want to get to know you better in the hopes of asking you out one day.

    However, in the times that he has said nothing, he may have become doubtful yet again of what he wants.

    If he only started dating again this summer after having been in a long-term relationship, there is a chance that it has taken him longer than usual to get over his ex.

    Indeed, he may not be entirely over that ex.

    The times when he has gotten quiet on you may be the times where he has had to deal with the emotional repercussions of that breakup.

    When he gets past these periods, he is relieved.

    That may be why he told you that he missed you and was excited to see you after some time had elapsed where he had been doing nothing.

    However, he may fall right back into emotional turmoil after a while, thereby causing him to become quiet again.

    There is a part of him that may be attracted to you.

    However, as long as he continues to wrestle with these kind of emotions, he is going to continue being unable to make a definitive move on you.

    In essence, he may continue giving you mixed signals indefinitely.

    #98824
    MJ
    Guest

    Thank you so much for responding, you’ve given me a lot to think about!

    My other coworkers have noticed him being odd and quiet as well, so I’ve been reassured there. The reason why seems to be that he’s leaving the company soon.

    That is also why I’d like some idea of if I need to make a move, even if it’s just to ask for contact info, or if I let him decide.

    Another issue is that he claims he wants kids (somehow I don’t 100% believe him) but I definitely don’t. So I don’t know if it would even really be worth starting something, except that I really like him.

    Thank you, you’ve already helped a lot.

    #98825
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi MJ,

    You should let him decide.

    Even if you were to make a move and get his contact info, that wouldn’t change the fact that he is may still be dealing with the emotional repercussions of his previous breakup.

    He would most likely continue with this kind of behavior, thereby making you that much more confused and frustrated.

    If you let him decide, this may indicate that he is now serious about moving forward and leaving his past relationship issues behind him.

    This would be the better way to proceed with him.

    If he has claimed that he wants kids, you should take him at his word.

    Operating on the assumption that he is not being truthful about that would be a major risk.

    If you are wondering whether it would even be worth it to start something with this guy being that he wants kids and you don’t, it may be worth your time to pay attention to what he tells you during conversation.

    If he keeps talking about kids or having a family without any prompting, there is a good chance that he does want kids.

    In this case, it may be best not to pursue a relationship with him.

    Try to avoid making the mistake of thinking that he will change his mind at some point as long as you talk to him long enough and he likes you.

    This outcome rarely happens.

    #98833
    MJ
    Guest

    Thank you so much!

    That’s what I was thinking, but I also didn’t want to risk taking the easy way out and having that be my excuse. But ok, he’ll have to make the move if he wants to keep in touch.

    As for the kids thing, that’s exactly why I’m not sure: all he ever says about it is ‘I want kids’. He never brings it up or expounds on it, never asks other coworkers with children for stories. But since the ball is in his court now, I’ll try not to worry about it.

    Thank you again so much!

    #98837
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi MJ,

    In your particular situation, letting him decide would not be taking the easy way out. It is just the sensible thing to do.

    Yes, the ball is in his court.

    Saying that he wants kids but never bringing it up or expanding on it may have something to do with his previous relationship.

    Perhaps he hoped that his previous partner would be the one to mother his kids.

    She may have been his ideal.

    Since that relationship ended, he may still have the notion that he wants kids but he may be finding it hard to picture who he would want to have kids with.

    In essence, he may have pictured his previous partner as the mother of his kids so intently that the idea of picturing someone new is just too difficult for him.

    This also ties in with the likelihood that he hasn’t gotten over that relationship.

    As long as he remains in this emotional turmoil, it may be difficult for him to talk about kids as often as he would want with you or coworkers who may have kids.

    All the best.

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