married almost 9 years and I hurt him

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  • #49617
    Jai
    Guest

    Hi, I have been married almost 9yrs and together 12 years. I have been on a med since august thinking it was helping, not realizing it was making me worse. I got really mad at my spouse and completely locked him out of the house, like chairs in front of the doors mad. I overreacted, now he says he is done and has been sleeping at his friends house for almost 2 weeks. we have 2 kids together and I am not ready to be done. I am weaning off the meds via my doctor, I have set up psychology appointments to get help for my issues of overthinking things, worrying too much, jumping to conclusions, and over reacting. I don’t want my marriage to be over but he will barely talk to me. I love him very much, and I know I hurt him and have apologized. Do you think I can fix this?

    #49643
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Jai,

    Yes, I think you can fix this.

    However, you will have to show him the measures that you are about to take in order to overcome your mental issues.

    Then you will have to actually show him through your actions that you have improved.

    He is mad at you right now but he will eventually get over that.

    What you should avoid doing right now is constantly reaching out to him to try to get him to talk to you. That will only remind him more so of the fact that you locked him out of the house and he will get even more upset.

    Eventually, he is going to come home.

    When he does, you have to have already started your psychology appointments with paperwork to prove it. He has to see that you are truly making an effort to overcome your mental issues. From here, he has to see a change in your actions.

    Then and only then would you have a chance to fix this.

    #52162
    Jai
    Guest

    I hope you are right. I am trying, he doesn’t stayhome at night, but has been home to be with the kids more. He know of my appointments and that they are booked for the next 9 weeks. He is being passive aggressive with comments, but i am not taking the bait. I want him to see the changes I am making, but he isn’t ready to see them yet. This is very hard for me.

    #52171
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Jai,

    It is going to take time for him to be ready to see the changes.

    It is also going to take time for you to start showing the changes.

    Hence, you will both have to be patient with that.

    The good news is that he has at least been home to see the kids even though he doesn’t stay the night. This will give him the opportunity to see you and thereby observe whether your behavior is changing for the better.

    So, you will have to be very diligent in going to your appointments for the next 9 weeks.

    Avoid falling into the trap of constantly trying to show him the changes in you.

    You would be forcing it and this will only make you more frustrated if he doesn’t react the way you want him to.

    Let him come to the realization that you are changing for the better through his own independent observation.

    This is when you will have the best shot at possibly reconciling and he just may choose to start spending the night again from time to time until he gets comfortable enough to make it permanent.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Luke.
    #54532
    Jai
    Guest

    Our wedding anniversary is Wednesday, do I just ignore it? He took 1 of our children overnight on Friday night to his friend’s house. It near killed me. I am not sure how to handle this anymore. I haven’t missed an appointment and still go but I am not sure it is making any difference to him. He told the kids he would stay at the house tonight and they could all snuggle upstairs in our son’s room big bed. When he had been staying home he had been sleeping in the basement on the couch. Is this a good sign?

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