Just friends or…?

Book A Dating Coach Forums Dating Just friends or…?

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    been talking with a man for 5-6mths now, initially it seemed the interest was there, he’d compliment me with a lot and went so far to say im the best person he’s met in a very long time and the only one he really wants to talk to. we are both disabled, he lives abroad but is english, i am in the UK. we talked daily on the phone, sometimes all day, we’d talk about all manner of things, including personal things and our views on what we want in relationships etc, i told him i was developing feelings to which he said he couldn’t reciprocate due to his illness, which i understood and respected, after that the connection intensified and we would be in contact all the time, and on a deeper level then one night about a month in, things got flirty and then over the following week he pulled away.. still kept contact every day, but the calls became shorter and less frequent, but he would always keep contact with me every day, over the last few weeks things have picked up again, we are once again talking daily on the phone, for hours, and still he discusses personal stuff but not in a way to seek support from me, it’s just open deep meaningful conversations.. we get on very well and have very similar ideals etc, he will ask me how i am if he hasnt heard from me, even if we spoke earlier that same day and has said he cares for me a great deal. He’s a very genuine man and emotional strong enough to meet his own emotional needs so i dont feel he keeps in touch for any kind of ego boost, especially given how much effort and time he puts in. however i am confused, i’ve accepted friendship but i cant help feeling he feels more than he is letting on. is it possible a man would invest this much time and energy into a woman he isnt romantically interested in and for 6mths.. ? i should add he isnt as forthcoming with the compliments now, but he does still make them only in less intensive ways, such as he’ll say im awesome, or that he appreciates me and finds me interesting, whereas before he would say things like i am kind, funny, wise, intelligent, etc.. he will always say when he is leaving the conversation and if he’s busy with friends, he always replies to tell me and then will either check in at intervals or text me afterwards..i’ve had male friends before and none of them act this way… only the men who have been investing towards a relationship with me or admitted to having much strong feelings.. i’m completely confused? please help haha. thank you 🙂


    Hi Kelly,

    The amount of time that he has spent talking to you on the phone about personal things in the past and the sheer volume of compliments that he has given you would indicate that there is a little bit more complexity to his relationship with you than mere friendship.

    However, he is very self-conscious about his illness. His insecurity about it is often what makes him pull away.

    Indeed, it would be unusual for a man to invest this much time and energy into a woman that he isn’t romantically interested in to some extent.

    However, being that you have expressed that you are developing deeper feelings for him, he may not quite know how to navigate this relationship.

    He may not want to be laden with the pressure of expectations. This may be why he has not been as forthcoming with the compliments as he used to.

    He just doesn’t want to fill your head with so many compliments that you make yourself believe that a romantic relationship is bound to happen as a result.

    Even though he is being a lot more cautious in how he interacts with you now, he still feels the need to stay in touch.

    At this point in time, he doesn’t want to pursue a romantic relationship with you due to his insecurities and the inevitable expectations that would come along with being in a committed relationship.

    But, he also doesn’t want to give up his relationship with you because you do make him feel better about himself and there may be a part of him from time to time that flirts with the idea of what it would be like to date you.


    Hi Luke

    Thank you for your reply, that does make a lot of sense as I know he feels a bit insecure with his condition, we share the same one and where I’ve had it for 4yrs, he’s still in his first year and learning to adapt to it. He said to me the other week that he’s grateful I did tell him early on about my feelings so that we were both aware and he’s acknowledged we do share a ‘very deep connection’ as he put it, and I’d agree we do. At times I do feel he flirts with the idea of dating me, but I recognise there’s a battle between what his heart wants and what is most practical. Twice now he has mentioned certain things and said how scary that cancel, I’ve no idea if I’m right but it almost feels he’s trying to give me an explanation without actually having to give one. We had a deep open heart to heart conversation the other week and I raised the point that I did feel he was emotionally investing on a much deeper level at one point and I explained it’s ok and I’m just trying to adjust to how things are now, he didn’t attempt to deny it in any way and has grown even closer again… I’m beginning to wonder if maybe now he’s starting to feel a bit safer and less worried about expectations etc, I know it’s a massive step for him to make and I respect his reasons why so I’m very cautious of placing expectations or any kind of pressure on him, I’ve resolved myself to just enjoying the connection we share at it is at the moment and that’s all I can do – thank you so much for your advice and insight, it’s certainly helped me feel less roller coaster ish!


    You are welcome Kelly.

    Yes, it may be best to avoid placing expectations or any kind of pressure on him. He may or may not eventually come to terms with his true emotions and act accordingly.

    All the best.


    Thank you and best wishes to you also x

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