is my fiance worth waiting for when he changed his mind? Live in first instead?

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    I’m in a long distance relationship for more than a year now. Well, atleast when we both defined our relationship as being exclusive.
    We met few years back both being part of a travel group. There was attration but nothing more than that. Once in awhile, there will be msgs just to say “hi” or perhaps greet happy birthday or whatever holiday there may be. My responses were not quick. Sometimes no response from me even.
    Until we both had the chance to travel with our group. The attraction is more obvious then but nothing happened still. But after, was when the exchange of messages was more frequent. Responses were quicker and more excited and looking forward. Until there was another meet up with the same group. But this time, we decided to meet first and spend few days together. That was the first travel as couple as we became exclusive even before meeting.
    In between, mags were non stop and no video calls. Just msgs. I can tell that we click and everything just feels right. He was honest with his previous relationships that when there came time that he will be attending a conference with his ex and I said I felt anxious, he understood and reassured me. That when another of his ex contacted me and tried to make me change my mind by saying things about he cheated, i was still secure and confident. I am the jealous type but only when I see there’s a reason.
    And when we finally were together, i got jealous with that girl he liked so much that she was on his in contact with.
    Then we met again with him visiting me and that made us know ourselves on a deeper level. We hd fights merely because ae are different in some ways. When he were apart again, thats when jealousy really kicked in. I guess you cant blame me since he was living in a nice big villa in Bali with a woman. And his ex who tried to contact me was from there as well. The idea that my boyfriend is sleeping in a room where to be able to go out would mean passing by her bed is just too much. Fights happened almost everyday. I was skeptic, i was insecure and just plain jealous.
    Then, it was my turn to visit him. Spent christmas and new year together. It was one of our best times.
    When holiday was over and we both went on our usual-everyday-lives, he started giving hints about wanting to start a family with me. And then we bacame engaged. We still had fights once in while. But we always manage to talk about it. And never let a day pass without being ok.
    He visited me again, this time to spend my birthday with me and meet my family for the aecond time. (First time was during his first visit). But that visit made us had obe of our major fights. It was when he brought the sex toy we both bought last time i visited him. I remember telling him not to open it but when he handed it over, i was surprised it was open and worst, i felt it hs been used. I can tell it wasnt cleaned after. Gross as it may sound but I tried to smell it and doesnt smell new. So I know he used it. After we made love, i opened up the topic by saying next time, to make sure to wash it clean. His response was what I was trying to suggest. Told him what I think and he said no but instead used it to masterbate and learn how to use it. And that the dirt i saw were dust. That was when fights became more ariuos and he tend to just end the day with that. To the point that he will just hang up the video call in the middle of discussion. Fight became more frequent and would always say he feel misunderstood and not trusted.
    Since we are engaged, the plans of filing for visa was there but the delay was obvious. First i couldnt figure out why we had to fight when all I do was just ask. It then hit me why when he admited he doesnt want to get married because he said he is afraid our marriage will fail bec of all the fights. My thinking was were fighting because my questions were related to the visa or plans…
    The story went on to point that he asked for space. I gave him that until we started talking again. Things were doing way better this time. Until he got the news from his country that we were given the approval to get married. So i started talking about preparing once again to complete the visa requirements when I noticed he wasnt excited. (he was excited before about us being together finally) he admitted that he still doesnt want to get married (yet). That he wanted us to live together first and see. He admitted that deep down, he wanted the news otherwise so atleast the reason for the delay will not come from him. But it seems it will still be coming from him in the end he said. That broke my heart and took awhile before I realized that that explained everything.
    I told him btw that i dont want to give up my life here if it is just to try things out. When I asked him what will happen to me after I go there under marriage visa and still not married after it expires? That i will go back with no job? He cant give me an answer and even seem to be avoiding it. The video chat after that wasnt pleasant. But I did set my bounderies that we are not getting married if he is nit sure. Him coming here was brought up but he said its gonna be financially challenging for him.
    When we were both calm after a couple of days comtemplating, we both were at a better state and was able to handle a video chat. I asked if the best solution was to stop everything. He was quiet and all he said was I dont know. But said that he still loves me and still want to give it a shot but more of having to have the feeling back by doing things that we used to do before. And that was when we were still starting. I agreed. So we are still together. However, i noticed things are not the same anymore.
    He mentioned his future work plans but i dont hear my name nor see myself there. He asks my opinion on some stuff which are not really big. But major decisions, no. I am not even sure if he is considering me / us.
    I asked why not plan for christmas and NYE as he is the type who plans inadvance to avoid higher charges bec ita peak season.
    So my dilemma now is, should I stay? How long should I wait? Is he just being polite and waiting for me to say it? But I did. But if youvarw to think about it, he said “i dont know”
    By the way, i am this jealous and my fears were triggered because i found out from his ex that there has always been over lap. That they broke up because there’s a new girl. He used to be active in dating sites and thats where he met his exes. And is into woeking remotely. So yes, internet is his playground.
    So what do I do? Should I believe when he said he doesnt want to get married yet with me? That he wanted us to live together first before getting married?


    Yeah if that sex toy is a vibrator then he could have used it to masturbate by having it vibrate on the tip of his penis till he ejaculates. The Hitachi magic wand is great for doing that. Over in Asia they are also using the Hitachi to make their penises longer by placing it between their legs and then placing it on the tip of their penis till ejaculation. The massage parlors who offer that procedure have videos up on the internet.


    @Fractal: its not a vibrator. Its like a ring.


    Oh yeah shops recommend those for people getting into sex toys. They aren’t much fun though. The Hitachi may be too stimulating and can numb the clit. Beads are tricky and can be painful if you don’t know what you’re doing. Butt plugs are great fun though. Get one for him and one for yourself… You just slip them in and go about your business.


    What did you get yourself into D: … Yeah when you travel a lot you can get yourself in such situations. Going to a land new to you, bonding with someone and then….. Well you’re finding out right now.

    The internet and ease of travel makes dating weird. They have added layers of complications. It’s evident when you speak with people who were born long before the internet. They still have this notion of dating being simple.

    Some things are still simple… I think….. Perhaps it still can be simple.

    I don’t know Lea. But discussion is fun 😀

    Ok so from a practical point of view if you two were decided on being life partners it would make more sense to get married. That way the whole visa situation will be easier… Your voice of reason probably already told you that since you don’t want to leave your life inorder to just “try it out”.

    It sounds like you two were hanging out and not necessarily building a life together. But what do I know 0_o

    Thanks for sharing your story Lea. Talk to Luke on Skype …. He has a soothing voice lol


    Yeah, I know, this is complicated. And life is much easier when its simple. Technology, social media at one point makes things easier but at the same time makes everything a whole lot complicated.

    I was never married and when I do, I want to do it for the right reason and more importantly, mutual decision.

    What you said last made sense. We are just hanging out and not building a future. its so easy to just live by the day. No complications and no responsibilities. But at the same time, no future.

    Thank you. Its nice to know male perspective as that opens girls mind with what maybe the other side of the story is. I said maybe because we all act and decide based on our maturity level, intelligence and personality. But men has something in common that somehow makes them respond/ react all the same – instinct or whatever you got from our caveman incestors.

    I remember telling myself, “If you have to ask, then you generally know the answer, you just don’t want to admit to it.” Its a battle between intuition and ego (yes, the struggle is real)

    Its so easy to feel excited. Talk about it. But that happens when both are feeling good. But when things are not, talk stops. Its ok actually provided that there are actions being made to make those talks into reality. Guess it doesnt matter now whether there’s a third party or none. It maybe true that he is not talking no anybody. Bec what he wants probably may just be female attention.

    So now, my HEART is saying to just enjoy the moment. One day at a time. What we have will soon evolve.
    EGO: remove stress that can pull me down. Why invest on something you are not sure worth investing for? Why settle for someone who is not sure. – All women need a man who knows exactly how he feels about his girl and doesn’t question whether or not she’s the one for him. If he doesn’t know what he wants, it’s because he has yet to find it. — I told him that and said thats where my fear is coming from. “Search is not over”. His answer was, self fulfilling prophecy if I dont stop thinking that way. (By that way I mean the fears)



    I still dont know whether:
    1. Stay and wait
    2. Stay, wait, but give ultimatum (end of year)
    A. Should I tell him that?
    B. Dont tell him. But do it anyway to start
    3. Just end the status now. We can still talk, enjoy our indivudual lives. we will both realize what we both want and need sooner or later. We just dont know if we our in those.
    4. Go with the plan of going there and see. That way, I wont have any “what ifs”. But since I dont want to (possibly further) set my self up for failure, we can do that next year. So I can prepare.
    — but if I do this, and if I see he is not excited nor making the initiative, then can I take that as he is just being polite, afraid not to hurt me?

    James H

    If he truly loves you, then the wait is worth it. Otherwise, if he shows distance, then you might move on and find someone that truly cares deeply for you

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