Cold and Distant for more than a week. Are we breaking up?

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  • #49124
    Reba
    Guest

    My boyfriend of 3 years and I had a huge arguement a week ago and he has been cold and withdrawn ever since. It is my issue and I have sincerely apologised.. but he is still behaving the same way.

    The root of the problem in this relationship is my insecurities and neediness. He has always tried assuring me but I understand this is something I have to work on myself from within. The last time we spoke, he was tearing very badly and told me to find someone that can make me happy. He still loves me.

    He has lately been extremely busy and stressed with work as well.. We also argued at such a bad timing.

    We have agreed to meet this weekend to talk. But I am afraid he is going to break up rather than patch up.. How can I show him I am sorry and will work on my own issues? How can I mend his broken heart again?

    Thank you for your time. I really need help.

    #49126
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Reba,

    A good way to show him that you are sorry and that you will work on your own issues is to give him a detailed idea of what steps you are actually going to take to do this.

    Simply telling him that you will do this won’t be enough to convince him.

    So, you will have to come up with a plan. You will have to identify your pain points and list them down. Then you will have to come up with ways by which you will work on each pain point.

    It is really important that you are as specific as possible with this.

    Guys like to deal with actionable facts.

    He will be more persuaded to stick it out with you if he has actually been made privy to your plan of action to tackle your insecurities and neediness.

    Mending his broken heart will require that he sees you truly making an effort to better yourself.

    Hence, you will have to take real action towards this goal.

    Only then will he start feeling like he can rest easy and begin to open his heart to you again.

    So, it is going to require action and consistency for this to work.

    But if you work at it, there is a good chance that he will give you a chance and thereby you may be able to save your 3 year relationship with him.

    #49169
    Reba
    Guest

    Thank you for your advice. I will be concrete about my action plan. It’s time I learn to deal with this issue too.

    One more question – What if he insist for me to look for another man that will make me happy? And insists on breaking up?

    He seems to have developed self esteem issues because I always seem unhappy. (deep down, my unhappiness is actually related to my depression and self-esteem issues, nothing to do with him) Therefore, he might have perceived himself as “unable” to be that man in making me happy.

    I have explained that the problem lies with me, not him. However, I’m not sure if he is convinced as he is still cold and distant towards me.

    How can I help him understand this point without sounding desperate in making him stay?

    Btw, I have been giving him space – not texting or calling him. I plan to continue doing this untill Sunday when we meet face to face.

    Thank you so much and look forward to your kind advice 🙂

    #49219
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Reba,

    You are welcome.

    Once you have presented your plans to him, it is unlikely that he will insist that you look for another man to make you happy or insist on breaking up.

    If he does, you can tell him to give you a chance to implement your plan.

    Being that you have both been together for 3 years, he may strongly consider that and give you that chance.

    As far as making him understand the point that the problems lie with you and not with him, that is what the plan is for.

    The plan is specific because you are already pointing out all of your pain points and also providing remedies to them that you are going to undertake.

    The fact that you are that specific in pointing out the problems that are your own will most likely help him realize that you mean business and you are truly taking this seriously.

    So, this should give him the patience to at least consider staying without you sounding desperate to make him stay.

    It is very good that you have been giving him space and not texting or calling him and leaving communication until you meet him face to face. This allows him time to get some of his emotions under control and you time to prepare your plan.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by Luke.
    #49426
    Reba
    Guest

    Thank you so much for your help and advice. Been feeling really lost and anxious during this period.

    God bless you!

    #49452
    Reba
    Guest

    Btw, is a simple text – “how are you?” ok during this period of time? I just want to show I still love and care.

    #49459
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Reba,

    It’s best not to send a simple text like, “how are you?”

    You have both been together for 3 years. He knows that you still love and care for him.

    It’s best to give him this time to reflect without you interrupting it with a text.

    When you meet him this weekend, you will have the opportunity to show him that you still care through your body language while in the process of presenting your plan to him.

    #49460
    Reba
    Guest

    Ok noted. Thank you..

    #49804
    Reba
    Guest

    Hi Dating Logic,

    I suspect my boyfriend is depressed.. He has been withdrawing alot and said he has “snapped” and is “not the same person anymore”. He just feels strongly that he is unable to make me happy. And is recently facing work and family stress too.

    I feel so lost now..

    #49805
    Luke
    Keymaster

    Hi Reba,

    It’s best to avoid trying too hard to make him feel a different way.

    He may be really fatigued with a number of things.

    He may need some time to figure things out. Hence, it is best to not suffocate him at this time because you want your own feelings met or because you want to keep the relationship going.

    Let him know that you are there for him but give him some space for now.

    #50326
    Reba
    Guest

    Hi there Dating Logic,

    I have met my boyfriend over the weekends and we talked about our relationship. He said he is willing to give the relationship another try. He still cares and loves me very much as I observed his actions and loving gestures towards me. I was unwell, so he cooked for me and also assured me that i will always be the most beautiful girl in his eyes. He also said he misses me very much and loves me. (tearing as he spoke)

    However, he shared with me yesterday that he still feels inadequate in giving me the ultimate happiness I deserve. Apparently, his family may require him to take over the family’s business in the future and he is afraid he may have to travel often and therefore unable to give me the care and commitment he thinks i deserve.

    He still cares very much for me but is still behaving a little withdrawn. I am confused and unsure of what is our relationship status now..

    I will be going for an operation later this year, and he said, “I will be with you. you are not going to be alone and I am gonna take care of you.” But when I asked if I am still his baby girl, he avoided, saying, “let’s focus on your health and don’t worry about that first.”

    Kindly enlighten me. Thank you so much, Dating logic.

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