It is not unusual to lose the butterflies for someone once you discern that the person is returning your advances.
They are interested and now want to pursue something with you, but you are abruptly less inclined.
What happened?
You were so interested in this person initially.
Human nature is curious.
We are excited about someone when they aren’t showing us as much interest.
We are mystified by this person.
Consumed with thoughts about what this person is like, we fill in the blanks in our minds.
Naturally, we fill those blanks with images and perceptions that makes us feel good, triggering a release of dopamine in our brain which facilitates pleasure.
The excitement you have for this human being is palpable.
Such mystery.
Once this person shows interest in you, that air of mystery about this person wanes.
They are no longer the unknown.
They are known.
There is something indubitably predictable and boring about the known.
You have seen it before.
There was a person in your past who gushed over you and gave you a lot of attention.
In their eyes, you did no wrong.
It didn’t take long before you were turned off, smothered by their attention.
The mystery and unknown wasn’t present anymore.
This person didn’t have a life once they fell for you.
You were their life.
That wasn’t going to cut it anymore.
Now, here is this new person in your life that is showing the same traits.
This is familiar to you and suddenly, this person who seemed so mysterious and different is similar to guys from your past.
The experience is no longer new, it is familiar and somewhat uninteresting.
What turns you on is being kept on your toes with excitement.
A guy that has you crazy debating whether he knows you exist or looked at you the other day when you walked past him.
Unfortunately, you are now aware he likes you back and it’s shattered the mystery.
With the uncertainty gone, now replaced with someone who is returning the same emotion to you, you become critical of them, as they are confirming they are like everyone else.
It’s mundane.
The emotion stirred by wanton fantasies created in your mind about what he is like as a person has tapered off.
Having learned his story, from his own mouth, the book is read and there is no mystery left.
The cat is out of the hat and the thrill is gone.
Hi,
I have dated a guy over a year now. The first three months were great and then he began to slip away from me. But still, he would never totally let go of me. I really talked to him about spending more time together, but somehow it would always just end up in a meeting every month. As I really liked the guy I could not let go, what would have been maybe better. Instead, I kept on trying. He always ensured me that for him it was going into the right direction, otherwise he would not want to see me. I felt like once he really knew I liked him, he messed with me. He was not ready for something serious, but dragged me along. Now finally after a year he made up his mind and he was like writing a long break up message when we weren’t even really together. My question is now: I felt we made a huge mistake at the beginning of our relationship – we got physicially without the necessary emotional connection. I built emotional connection, but he didn’t. So, if I keep on with my life – also dating other guys – is it possible that he might actually wants to get to know me also as a friend or is it wasted forever if it didn’t work out? I really like this guy but see it as healthier to have a break now. Nevertheless I feel like in a couple of years maybe things might be different and we are both on the same page concering relationship. I would be happy if you could give me an advice! Thanks in advance
Hi Sue,
You didn’t make a huge mistake in the beginning by getting physical with him before the emotional connection. Most people get physical before they get really emotional with someone to the point where they fall in love.
That wasn’t the problem.
The problem was that this guy was never truly interested in you. You were always the one who tried to get him more involved and not him. It is unlikely that his attitude will change. You shouldn’t keep trying and hoping. You should move on with your life.
I know you really like him but you just can’t force him to feel something that he doesn’t, no matter how much you wish or wait for it to happen.